Hots
by Isaboo
Summary: Joker has a word with Kaidan about scuttlebutt on the Normandy. Now expanded! Joker sets up Shenko Surveillance, and Liara should get her advice elsewhere. T for references to sexytimes and butts. No explicit.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Just a thought about who told Kaidan the scuttlebutt on Liara and Shepard.

Disclaimer: I disclaim.

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Hots

"so, you've got the hots for Commander Shepard, huh, Alenko?" Joker grinned at the Sentinel from his seat, chuckling as the man glared back at him.

"Commander Shepard is our commanding officer. I respect her, and I trust her leadership capabilities. I _do not_ have the 'hots' for her," Kaidan said, over enunciating every word of the last sentence.

Joker made a humming noise, turning back to his monitors. A minute later, he glanced at Kaidan, and grinned at the frustrated look on his friend's face. _The boy is in deep. Shepard makes him stutter like a pimply high school kid talking to the prom queen._ _ Good thing he's got me here to keep him on his toes, or he might never make a move._

"scuttlebutt says that she and Dr. T'soni have been getting...close," Joker mentioned casually, after a few more minutes of silence. He smirked as Kaidan's jaw tightened, and the lieutenant's hands formed fists for a moment. Alenko glared at Joker, a shimmer of dark energy running across his body.

"I'm not sure if the doctor is Shepard's type," Kaidan replied, fighting his biotics back into control.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure that Asaris are _everybody's_ type, LT. Might want to make a move before your girl gets poached," Joker said, continuing to enter data into his terminal. His mouth twisted into a satisfied grin as Kaidan stalked off the bridge. _Yeah, he'll be a bit livelier after our little chat. Shepard had better appreciate it._

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_A/N:_ Review if you like.


	2. Joker Watches, Liara is Confused

A/N: Another one shot for Joker's interference. People seem to have liked the first one.

Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect, Kaidan would get a lot more screen time. And would have had mad hot monkey sex with Shepard on Horizon, instead of being silly.

Hots: Joker Watches, Liara is Confused

"Kaidan is...special," Commander Shepard said, looking mildly embarrassed. Joker giggled to himself as the awkward conversation ended. A loud cough from behind him brought attention back to the ensign awaiting orders.

"Oh...yeah, I need lunch. Go get it for me," Joker ordered after a moment's thought. Sometimes, he just couldn't remember what he'd summoned the lackeys for in the first place, and ended up making them polish his boots. But he _was_ hungry.

The ensign wandered off again, and Joker turned his attention back to his Shenko Surveillance. Shepard was walking by Alenko in the mess hall, and the LT's fork froze halfway to his mouth while he watched her ass. "Man, this ship should have it's own soap opera," Joker remarked in satisfaction.

Liara T'Soni was not the most socially gifted asari. While others her age were experiencing life as exotic dancers or mercenaries, she was sifting through the dust of a civilization that ended tens of thousands of years ago. Commander Shepard...Aimée...was fascinating, but Liara was worried that by being too obvious, she'd irreparably damaged the Spectre's good opinion. When Joker had told her that it was acceptable to admit to romantic feelings even if there was very little chance of reciprocation, she's been hesitant.

And now she knew: the Commander was involved with Lieutenant Alenko. She could understand of, course. Alenko was very attractive, especially his biceps. But if they were involved, why did Alenko look down and blush when Liara saw him gazing at Aimée in the Mess Hall? By now, then entire crew knew that they most certainly engaged in...activities, so nobody would be shocked that he was attracted to his paramour.

Maybe she should ask Joker. He seemed to know many useful things.

A/N: So, review. If you wanna.

And let me know if you want a certain piece of scuttlebutt to be spread by Joker, and I might write another. Actually, I think I'm going to go write something, just not sure what...sigh.


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